THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF A HAIRY HOUSEMATE
Unwritten rules every pet secretly enforces in your home
Welcome, humble human, to the sacred text of pet ownership. You may have thought you were just adopting a pet, but in reality, you were unknowingly signing a lifelong servitude contract to a four-legged, rent-free dictator.
While we mere mortals struggle to pay bills, run errands, and function as responsible adults, our hairy housemates live by a completely different set of rules. And whether you like it or not, these commandments are law.
Read carefully, for breaking these sacred rules will result in guilt trips, judgmental stares, and possibly an accidental poop on your favorite rug.
Commandment 1: Thou Shalt Not Sit Without Offering Lap Space
The second you sit down, your lap becomes public property. It doesn’t matter if you were planning to eat, work, or enjoy five minutes of personal space—your pet is now firmly planted and will not be moved.
Commandment 2: Thou Shalt Wake Up at Feeding Time (Or Else)
Sleep is a privilege, not a right. Your pet will ensure you rise at precisely 6:00 AM (or earlier) by using various, well-practiced techniques:
• Staring at you from an uncomfortably close distance
• Jumping on your chest like a WWE champion
• Yowling like an abandoned orphan
• Knocking important objects off your nightstand
Ignore them at your own risk.
Commandment 3: Thou Shalt Never Eat Alone
If you are eating, so is your pet. It doesn’t matter if they just finished a meal—they will materialize at your side, giving you the “I am but a starving orphan” look. Even if what you’re eating is entirely unsuitable for them, they will insist they need it or they might simply perish.
Commandment 4: Thou Shalt Never Close the Bathroom Door
Privacy? Absolutely not. If you enter the bathroom alone, your pet will panic as if you have disappeared into another dimension. Scratching, whining, barging in, or—if they are particularly bold—maintaining eye contact while you pee are all acceptable methods of protest.
Commandment 5: The Bed is Theirs, You Are the Guest
You may have purchased the bed, but ownership transferred the moment your pet lay on it. They will stretch, sprawl, and claim an unreasonable amount of space, leaving you clinging to the edge like you’re sleeping on a cliffside.
If you attempt to move them? Good luck with that.
Commandment 6: Thou Shalt Provide Unlimited Door Service
Indoors? Outdoors? Who knows! Your pet certainly doesn’t. But they must investigate both options every five minutes, and you are expected to open the door immediately each time. Failure to comply results in scratching, whining, or a deeply disappointed stare.
Commandment 7: Thou Shalt Accept Fur Everywhere
Your black outfit? Covered in fur.
Your furniture? Covered in fur.
Your freshly laundered clothes? Also covered in fur.
This is your life now. Lint rollers are your only salvation.
Commandment 8: Thou Shalt Be Interrupted During Every Work Call
If you work from home, your pet will ensure maximum interference during important meetings. This may include:
• Barking at absolutely nothing
• Knocking things off the desk
• Random zoomies across the room
• Walking across the keyboard and sending an incomprehensible message to your boss
Commandment 9: Thou Shalt Be Greeted Like a Returning War Hero (Even if You Were Only Gone for Five Minutes)
Whether you’ve been gone for five hours or five minutes, your pet will greet you with wild enthusiasm, joyful zoomies, and possibly some accidental bladder leakage. You are the most important person in the world—until they remember it’s dinner time and abandon you for their food bowl.
Commandment 10: Thou Shalt Love Them Unconditionally, Despite Everything
They may be freeloading, space-hogging, mess-making creatures, but let’s be honest—you wouldn’t trade them for anything.
Because at the end of the day, no matter how much they ignore your commands, steal your spot on the couch, or demand endless attention, they are still the best part of your home.
Now go forth, humble human, and continue your duties as a loyal servant to your hairy housemate. You know your place.
Did We Miss a Commandment?
Does your pet have an unspoken rule they follow in your home? Let us know in the comments! And if you’re looking for premium pet products to keep your freeloading housemate happy, check out our shop—because let’s face it, they deserve the best.